Saturday, October 2, 2010

The day before the surgery

Journal Entry from October 1st, 2009. <typos included from original entry>

     Last night I learned my sweet love has a brain tumor. I almost want to laugh, writing it, because it seems so ludacris, so surreal, to be happening to us. I was completely devastated. I was confused. Scared. Trevor's eyes were scared and big and I cried into his chest. I couldn't stop kissing him and crying and just repeating, "Oh honey, I love you so much."
     We cried into each others arms for hours, telling each other "By His stripes we are healed" and not allowing each other to think the worst.
     I got about 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night and we had an appointment with neaurosurgeon at 9am this morning. Dr. Abassi. Basically what he told us is that tumor is in the middle of his brain, in the cerebellum, next to the brain stem. It's 2cm big. He said it was serious and recommended emergency surgery. For tomorrow. He said with a surgery like this, there are major risks. Death being the obvious one. So we left the office, and half way down the hall I just broke. In the middle of the hallway I sobbed into my darlings arms, when he should have been the one crying. He's so brave.
     I'm 9 months pregnant and could be spending my last day with Trevor. I have all these emotions and fears and I'm sick, literally sick to my stomach with fear of him dying. I cannot believe he has a brain tumor. A brain tumor. And a part of me knows he's going to die, and a bigger part of me believes he'll make it. But our enemy, the enemy of our very souls puts black thoughts inside my head, and I am constantly trying to subject my mind to Christ. How do I do this? How do I have a baby and care for it while my husband is recovering from brain surgery? How do I face people and the world alone without him? It's all I can do from going crazy. I'm so confused at the Lord. Why? Why this? Why now? Why me again? Haven't I suffered enough?
     Then I realize I have no idea what God is going to do with this, only that He has every one of Trevor's days written down in the Book, and I know, I know there is a divine purpose, even if I do not understand any of it.
      I'm so scared. I'm scared of leaving Trevor's eyes alive and coming back later and seeing nothing. I'm scared of being alone, raising Jeremiah w/out a father, a wonderful perfectly good father who loves this baby more than anything else, after Jesus and me.
     A verse just came to mind...
                  "Perfect love casts out fear."
     What do you say to the absolute love of your life, your soul mate, knowing this could be the last 15 hours you have with him? We were planning on 60+ years, not 1 year. We never dreamed or thought it would happen. I always feared it though. I knew, or "thought" I knew something would happen.
     Oh God please help us! Please please please protect my love. Keep him on earth to glorify you and get closer to you and finish the work you have started in his life. Please give me the courage and strength to face tomorrow.
     He's about to go in for another scan. The surgery is tomorrow @ 9:00am and it'll be 6 hours long. If everything goes "perfectly" he'll be out in a week. Then a couple months of either rehab or treatment to get the rest of it gone. Crystal is driving up by herself (Lord protect her) and Trevor's parents are flying into Omaha then driving (Lord keep them safe.) I've talked to so many people on the phone and all, I'm so exhausted. Running on that little of sleep."

To be

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